housewarming
by lanawords
Summary: well. you should've known there's something off when even the sanest one of your friends agree with a certain idea. curse your mother and all her good looks.-bro fic, crack, some swearing.


"Fuck no."

Sasuke directs his deep-set frown at his friends—hell, he's not even sure if he should call these—these filthy-ass pigs his friends now. Naruto exaggeratedly whines, and shoves him. "Come _on_, Sasuke-teme! We've been to my house, to Kiba's, Shikamaru's, _Neji's_, even! We only hasn't gone to your house. Come on, it's just one game night."

"Yeah, Sasuke, 's not like we're gonna stay overnight or anything," Kiba says, and Sasuke shoots him a death glare. "_No._"

He throws a look at Shikamaru and Neji—his hope, basically, what with two dickheads like Kiba and Naruto in their group, the two are his only source of sanity. Shikamaru shrugs, and stubs his cigarette into the ashtray on their table. Feeling betrayed, Sasuke turns to Neji, but to his horror, Neji is _smirking_.

God's wrath and falling sky is nothing compared to _Neji smirking_.

Because Neji's smirk means that he's in the mood for getting down and crazy, that he's not going to play the 'sane and right-in-the-mind older cousin'—unlike _his own _cousin, Shisui—card and instead he's going to permit everyone do whatever the fuck they want. He's going to let them—and by _them _he means Naruto and Kiba, obviously—do whatever they want, and, preferably, do the craziest they want. Neji's smirk means his doom.

"Neji _no,_ " Sasuke hisses, but Neji cuts him off smugly.

"Well you have to at least once entertain_ these two special mutts_ in your house," he says, and he proceeds to sip his coffee. Sasuke lets out a long sigh and frowns at Naruto, suspicion rising at the Nara and the Hyuga's acceptance of the idea. The blonde simply beams at him.

"Why the hell are you all so fixated on raiding my house anyways?" He says irritably, the feeling of defeat already starting to settle in. Still, he suspiciously eyes Kiba, Shikamaru and Neji. "And you, dobe, you've been to my house a couple times."

Kiba opens his mouth excitedly, his longer-than-most canines baring, and Sasuke cringes. "Because Naruto said that—"

"Whoah no, forget Naruto said anything," Naruto says hurriedly, forcefully knocking Kiba's jaw back closed, earning a loud, pained yelp from the brunette. "Because, I told him that the Uchiha manor is absolutely sick and awesome, and they're totally interested. Besides, it would be unfair that only _one_ of your bros went to your house. As _bros_, we all should be allowed at each other's houses, right?"

"No," Sasuke deadpans. He catches Shikamaru and Neji smirking, again, and instantly, he gets a bad feeling about this. "No, you pigs are not going to my house."

Naruto grins ever-so-widely, and announces, "Awesome! Tomorrow, dudes, five PM, game night. Wait—are we allowed booze?"

Sasuke sighs, but he knows he's already lost. "_No_."

* * *

"So," Sasuke shifts awkwardly at the dinner table, earning attention from both Uchiha Fugaku and Mikoto. "My, uh, _friends_, are probably going to come over tomorrow."

Fugaku shrugs while Mikoto immediately frowns. "And you didn't think to tell me beforehand, Sasuke?"

Sasuke almost grins, feeling triumphant and completely in delight that his mother is _not _pleased with his friends coming over. He exhales in relief. "Yeah, well, if you don't want them to come over I'll just tell them off, Mom, no big deal—I don't really want them coming anyways—"

"If you told me earlier I would've bought more for tomorrow's dinner! Now I'm going to have to go to the supermarket again tomorrow," she huffs, and Sasuke stares blankly at his mother, unbelieving. "And what's with you not wanting them to come? You boys go to Kushina's all the time, I was beginning to wonder if you make rumors that I'm scary or something."

"Wait, what—"

Mikoto sighs, and points at Sasuke with her chopsticks, "If that's true, you're going to be grounded."

Sasuke stares at his mother, and then at his nonchalant father. _Is she for real?_ "You're grounding me for _not inviting my friends over_?"

"The Uchihas has always been known to be hospitable," Fugaku adds with a small grin, and Sasuke can't possibly feel more betrayed.

"So you want those pigs to come over to our house?"

"Language, son," Fugaku chides. "Friends are comrades. You should not call them with a derogatory term such as animal names like that."

Rolling his eyes because of his parents' unexpected consent and exaggeration, Sasuke retorts. "Itachi _doesn't _bring his friends home!"

"Itachi's in college, why would he," Mikoto says, as if it's the most obvious thing on earth, and upon hearing it, Sasuke's on the verge of tearing his hair. "Speaking of which, why isn't he here yet? I thought he's going to spend weekend home," she says, looking a little disappointed.

"I'm home."

"Woah, what in the _hell_, Itachi?!" Sasuke yelps, completely taken aback with how his brother suddenly appears at the opening of their dining room—sometimes, he's sure that Itachi is part-ghost. Or just creepy. Mikoto throws Sasuke an unappreciative look at his words.

"Hello, brother. Your greeting is very heartwarming," Itachi says flatly, his sarcasm stark clear, immediately taking off his coat and sits next to Sasuke on his seat. "Hello Mom, Dad."

"Welcome home, honey," Mikoto says delightfully, immediately pouring tons of food into Itachi's plate, while Sasuke watches bitterly. Here he's about to be _grounded_ for _not inviting friends over_, and his brother is getting all his family's love. Life is fair. "Tough day at college? Where are your bags?"

"At the living room. I'll get them later," he says. "How are you all?"

Sasuke wants to snort. Typical Itachi. Even with his own family, he asks _how are you_.

But of course his parents love it. "We are good, son. How are things going in college? Everything good?" Fugaku asks fondly.

"Thankfully, everything is good," Itachi smiles, and he bites into the food. "This is really delicious."

"I'm great at school too, thanks for asking," Sasuke grumbles bitterly, and eats his food more. "And it's delicious, Mom."

Itachi raises an eyebrow, "So, what got on Sasu-chan's nerves today, Mom?"

"Apparently, his friends is coming over tomorrow and he doesn't want them too. That's nonsense! Kushina says you all behave good, I have no idea why would you be a prude and not let your friends play over," Mikoto chides. Itachi's bemused face immediately drains of humor, and Sasuke feels chill going down his spine as his older brother turns to look at him.

"Is that so," Itachi says. Sasuke takes a gulp of water and tries not to look at his brother's eyes. As they continue to eat in quiet chatters, Itachi turns again to Sasuke, and slightly kicks his leg for attention.

"Ow, wha—"

"Your friends," Itachi says slowly, quietly, ignoring Mikoto and Fugaku's chatter, "are coming over."

"I told them not to!" Sasuke hisses. Itachi narrows his eyes.

"And you tell mom."

Confused, Sasuke lowers his voice and frowns. "Well I have to ask for permission, smartass."

Itachi lets out a long sigh and shakes his head. His act makes Sasuke really wonders if any of his actions is wrong—what _else did he do wrong_? He's already tried to be a good son and not make his mother too busy with having to entertain his friends, and his parents claim him as being a prude? Now what?

"Now she's going to stay at home to be hospitable and make them dinner and, wow, you don't know what's going to happen next, don't you?"

Sasuke frowns. "Well, what is it?"

Itachi snorts, and he looks like he's done. "Moron."

Ever so clueless, there's no way Sasuke can think this as a worse idea that it already is.

* * *

The answer comes pretty easily, actually. Sasuke wants to bang his head—he actually did bang his head to the table several times—because he didn't realize it earlier. The answer as to _why is letting these assholes that proclaim themselves as my friends come over is a bad idea_, is under his nose this whole time. He gives the only boy with bright-colored hair in their group a very evil eye. Naruto's going to have his ass handed to him, thank you very much.

"Damn."

"Yeah. Told you guys."

"No wonder this asshole has girls all over him."

"She's rivalling Hinata's mom."

"She's rivalling _my _mom. And we all agree how much of a babe my mom is."

Okay, that takes the cake. "You pigs get the fuck out of my house _now. _Or I'm going to kick each one of you out of the window," Sasuke snaps, snatching the small plates of cakes _his mom _had lovingly made _for his asshole friends_. "I said now, you asshats."

"Boys, _language_!" His mother appears gloriously at the entryway of the second living room from the dining room, right as he seethes at Naruto. Mikoto narrows her eyes at her son and smiles at his friends.

_The world is ending_, Sasuke thinks helplessly.

"If any of you wants more cake, there are still a lot, so just ask, okay? Or just tell Sasuke to get some more. Feel like home! I'm making dinner for all."

Sasuke curses internally. He curses Naruto, curses Kiba, Shikamaru, Neji, curses Itachi for not preventing this disaster, curse Itachi _and _his father for ditching him and going out on their own.

Curse his mother's gorgeousness.

As Mikoto disappears again to the kitchen, Sasuke turns to Naruto and grabs his collar. "_You_," he says, while Naruto simply grins sheepishly.

"Chill, Sasuke," Shikamaru laughs, "your mom's really pretty."

"Pretty? Your mom's _hot as hell_," Kiba whistles, "damn."

"You pigs," Sasuke spat venomously, "I hate all of you. You're all going to hell."

Neji laughs and bites his cake. "Well, I don't regret anything. She bakes this herself? You're living in heaven, Uchiha."

"How come you and Itachi don't have younger sibs? If I'm your dad, I'd—" Kiba's words is cut off as Sasuke throws a pillow as hard as he can to the brunette. He almost flies across the room to personally hit the Inuzuka's back of the head. "Ow!"

"Accept it, teme, your mom _is _hot," Naruto laughs, patting Sasuke's back. He turns to glare at the blonde, before a thought crosses his mind.

"Oh yeah? Okay. My mom is hot. You bastard, you wait until _your mom _hears about this."

Naruto's face drains of color. "About what?"

Sasuke smirks triumphantly. "About how you think _my mom _is hotter than _your mom_."

As Naruto gulps worriedly, the others explode in laughter. Sasuke snorts. "You just wait. And I mean for _all of you dipshits_."

Sasuke smirks, and takes a big bite of his mother's cake as his so-called-friends grow quiet. Revenge already tastes sweet on his tongue.

* * *

**a/n: **what the hell is this. i'm pretty sure i'm high. written in 2 hrs omfg i'm so so so sorry


End file.
